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January 31, 2005

Ding.

How do I know I completely love Keaton?

I don't hesitate before making poop jokes around him.

Le sigh.

---

I bought two new books tonight.

1. Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. The paperback was only 7.99 but Border's had put the hardback version out for 5.99, so I went ahead and saved the two bucks. I've been looking forward to reading this for a long time as I've loved and been sucked into everything else of his that I've read. I'm really ashamed that I haven't picked it up before now.

2. The 2005 Doctor's Pocket Calorie, Fat & Carb Counter from Calorie King. I have the 2004 edition of this book and lived by it for quite sometime. I still regularly flip through it because of the extensive list of fast food and restaurant nutritional info listed in it. I keep the 2004 in my purse, but I think I will retire that one to my kitchen for reference for when I cook. I wouldn't have bought the 2005 since the calories, fat and carbs in most food hasn't changed in the past year. However when I was flipping through I noticed it had a new addition to the fast food places: CHIPOTLE. Knowing the calories and fat content of my burritos alone (and being able to carry it with me-- I've long found chipotlefan.com)was worth dropping $6.99 for the new edition. To my glovebox this goes. It's by far the best little pocket book for keeping up on what you're eating and doing that I've found.

And yes. I got approved for my car loan. As soon as I can get everything lined up with my dad so he can come sign off on the paperwork to take him off of the loan I'll be down to $262 a month payments. Woo.

Now, to try and get my medium Mocha Freeze to wear off before bedtime!

Posted by Courtney at 08:58 PM | Comments (0)

le pant. le heave.

First of all, it looks like Grandma Jewell won the birthday present contest this year and got a wonderful boquet of flowers from me. Unfortunately I didn't have time and I was driving in a light mist/snow so I couldn't talk to her much longer than confirming she received them.

My lunch time is precious to me. It's my time away from phones and to listen to the full versions of the million songs that get stuck in my head. However, for some unknown reason I devoted 3 minutes of my lunch hour today to sitting in my car singing along to When I Come Around by Green Day. Suddenly I was 10 years old. It was the most awesome moment of the month by far.

I got a voicemail from Mr. Hollis with Wells Fargo saying I got approved to take over my car loan from my Dad. Let's hope it knocks the payments down at least $50 a month...please...pretty pretty please.

I heard you crying loud,
all the way across town
You've been searching for that someone,
and it's me out on the prowl
As you sit around feeling sorry for yourself
Don't get lonely now
Dry your whining eyes
I'm just roaming for the moment
Sleazin' my back yard so don't get so uptight
you been thinking about ditching me

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around

I heard it all before
So don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
to try and slag me down because I know you're right
So go do what you like
Make sure you do it wise
You may find out that your selfdoubt means nothing
was ever there

You can't go forcing something if it's just
not right

No time to search the world around
Cause you know where I'll be found
When I come around
When I come around

Posted by Courtney at 12:27 PM | Comments (0)

January 29, 2005

This plane is definitely crashing...

Modest Mouse ticket has arrived.

Looks like I have plans for February 22nd. I hear there's word that I might get to meet a couple of the Church of Lazlo crazies while I'm there.

Back to watching UNC kill VA for now and hope that my question gets used in the Gameday Chat going on at the ESPN site.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart
I've got this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind spots
And he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an
eye in the sky that can't be stopped
When you get to the promise land your gonna shake that
eyes' hand

Your heart felt good it was drippin' pitch and made of wood
And your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me

Outside naked, shiverin' looking blue
From the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon
Baby cum angels fly around you reminding you we used
to be three and not just two
And that's how the world began
And that's how the world will end

A 3rd had just been made and we were swimming in the water
Didn't know then was it a son was it a daughter
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
around in the water in the oceans in our bodies and
another had been found another ocean on the planet
given that our blood is just like the Atlantic
And how

The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
straight long enough you'll end up where you were

Posted by Courtney at 12:42 PM | Comments (3)

January 28, 2005

Squiggles.

You know, maybe I'm a better big sister than I thought. Either that or using a South Park episode to relate worked a lot better than I expected it to work.

Posted by Courtney at 11:41 PM | Comments (0)

¡ATTN WHRE!

Posted by Courtney at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2005

Something's gotta turn out right.

Sorry for the hatred. I'm not over it, but I'll be quiet about it now.

I want to know what the fuck happened to the Courtney that was fine staying up until 3am every night and being at work on 8 the next day? I feel so broken as I sit here all ready for bed and tired as can be.

Beyond the Sea is still the best movie I've seen this year.

Fuck this interesting post shit, it's time for bed.

Posted by Courtney at 09:46 PM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2005

To continue the last post and have song lyric Tuesday

The waiting drove me mad...you’re finally here and I’m a mess
I take your entrance back...can’t let you roam inside my head
I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can’t walk...
Guess I’ll lie alone just like before...

I’ll take the firmest path...oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist...this behavior’s not unique
I don’t want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can’t put on my clothes...
I don’t want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don’t want to be held in your debt...
And I’ll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
And I’m already cut up and half dead...
I’ll end up alone like I began...

Everything has changed, absolutely nothing’s changed
Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture (i have my wonders about this line?)

I don’t want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
All the things that others want for me...
Can’t buy what I want because it’s free...
Can’t buy what I want because it’s free...
Can’t be what you want because i’m...

I ain’t s’posed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I’ll be damned, all alone like I began...

It’s your move now...
I thought you were a friend, but I guess i, I guess I hate you...

Posted by Courtney at 07:37 AM | Comments (0)

January 23, 2005

So cold you can taste it.

How someone can go from spending all sorts of time with you and telling you everything and overall just being your best friend to being able to be within reaching distance for hours and hardly acknowledge your existance is amazing.

I mean, it's one thing when my emails started going unanswered...and then my text messages started going unanswered...and then my phone calls didn't get answered. It's another thing when we're together in a group and there's a huge brick wall somewhere. There's no other way to be than completely uncomfortable in that kind of situation. There's no way to not be completely hurt by it.

And it drives me crazy.

Posted by Courtney at 01:48 AM | Comments (1)

January 20, 2005

50 days

As of midnight we'll be down to 50 days until my birthday.

Just a friendly reminder, if you intend on watching me take my first legal drink of alcohol in public, please intend on being in Kansas City on March 11th as there will be dinner, there will be fun, and at midnight there will be a Courtney turning 21.

Since I'm living up here this year Adam and Scott can't nersh on me like they did last year.

Please, no one throwing up on my door step and no one going to jail for public intoxication please...unless that person is me.

I've gotten early word that there will be an Andy, a Hito, and possibly a Megan around for this misadventure.

Posted by Courtney at 10:47 PM | Comments (6)

January 19, 2005

Grr motherfucker.

My biggest annoyance currently is people who can't respond to a fucking email.

All of you.

Posted by Courtney at 11:11 PM | Comments (5)

January 18, 2005

Random Lame Song Lyric Tuesday

Welcome to the 2nd Lame Song Lyric Tuesday...the comments are there for a reason kids, make fun of me for liking what I do if need be. Just be glad, you were 2 seconds away from getting the lyrics to Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Sum 41 - Pieces

I tried to be perfect but nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy but no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

if you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I'm trying to let you know
that I'm better off on my own

this place is so empty
my thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
sometimes it's so crazy that nothing can save me
but it's the only thing that I have

if you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I'm trying to let you know
that I'm better off on my own

I tried to be perfect it just wasn't worth it
nothing could ever be so wrong
it's hard to believe me
it never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

if you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show
that I'm trying to let you know
that I'm better off on my own

Posted by Courtney at 11:23 PM | Comments (1)

January 17, 2005

So. It. Goes.

So I had this long elaborate post about all these movies I've seen and a general shallow state of life, however, I think I should say something else.

Tonight, my cousin broke my heart.

I never mention it enough, but there's two people who know me better than anyone else in the world. They also happen to be related to me and 16. My sister Caitlan and my cousin Sara. They also happen to be best friends. They are the only two people I am intensely crazy and goofy and fun and happy around. Maybe it's the fact that I've known them both since they day they were born. They have a nickname for me, Cokie, from Sara's little sister couldn't say my name. Our family has its dysfunctional moments, but all in all, we were all raised pretty damn well.

I will admit that I treated Sara differently than I did Caitlan. For one, I didn't live with Sara so there wasn't the usual sisterly fighting going on constantly. But mainly, Sara was the more emotional of the two. She was the one who was the most sensitive. While my mom and dad didn't divorce until after I had graduated high school, Sara's parents divorced very early on. I always felt some sort of need to take care of her as well as be a great cousin and a great friend. Growing up in the way that we did left Caitlan and I both pretty strong willed. While it's no doubt that we both have our deep insecurities and our moments of intense weakness, they are far overshadowed by our ability to just say FUCK YOU and to just deal. And if nothing else, then we lived together, we had each other. But Sara is another story completely as I think she's always kind of seen her life as a me against the world type situation.

There was one main difference between Sara and Caitlan and I growing up though. Sara had a grandpa, and us Johnston kids, well, didn't. Now, we both had Great Grandpa Teague, but I'm not even sure if they were old enough to remember him. At this point, I'm not even sure I was old enough to remember as the only memory of him I can close my eyes and see is shown on a tv screen of the last time we saw him at a birthday party for Caitlan and Sara. However, being a great grandfather, he wasn't at a state when we were all together that he was someone we really interacted with. I remember him sitting. I remember him smiling, but I can never get past that.

My mother's father (and Sara's dad's) passed away a couple months after I was born in 1984. I have a black and white picture I keep in a box of him and the memory of reading "Mama, she's beautiful" in a baby book, but none of us ever actually knew him.

My dad's father died when my dad was only 10, far removing us from his presence.

Sara on the other hand has Fount, a wonderful man who has adored Sara from the beginning. A man who is now also very suddenly, very ill from Cancer.

We haven't really dealt with death in our family in any close relation aside from our great grandparents. While Sara's grandpa is going home and is doing better, she was asked to make her final goodbyes. She's currently wrestling with her faith in God over the matter. But most of all, one of my princesses is learning to deal with a new kind of pain.

Reading her xanga leaves me in tears, for the pain she's going through and for the pain that I'll never know.

Me? Well, I'm praying again. I just can't sit idly by on this one.

I hope that makes some sort of sense. <3

Posted by Courtney at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2005

Mmmm

If no one hears from me for the next few days it would be wise to follow the thin mint crumb trail because I will probably have gone Mama Cass on some Girl Scout Cookies.

Posted by Courtney at 05:42 PM | Comments (3)

January 11, 2005

And today's forgotten 90s song is Criminal!

I've been a bad bad girl,
I've been careless with a delicate man.
And it's a sad sad world,
When a girl can break a boy
just because she can.

Don't you tell me to deny it,
I've done wrong and I want to
Suffer for my sins.
I've come to you 'cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin.

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
because he was all I ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am.
Save me from these evil deeds.
Before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence
at hand.
But I keep livin' this day like
the next will never come.

Oh, help me, but don't tell me
to deny it.
I've got to cleanse myself.
of all these lies till I'm good
enough for him.
I've got a lot to lose and I'm
bettin' high
So I'm beggin' you before it ends
Just tell me where to begin.
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
because he was all I ever knew of love.

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay.
Give me room to lay the law and let me go.

I've got to make a play
to make my lover stay
So, what would an angel say?
'Cause the devil wants to know.

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
because he was all I ever knew of love.

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I sinned against
because he was all I ever knew of love.

Posted by Courtney at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)

When you read modern classic literature you're reading for Satan

The following is the reason why some people want to stop having 10th graders read The Catcher in the Rye. Those Cunts.

hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell hell goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam goddam damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn faggy ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass butt butt bull bull bull bull bull bull bitch bitch bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake chrissake God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God God sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch sonovabitch Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ Jesus Christ whore whore whore whore whore fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Posted by Courtney at 05:57 PM | Comments (0)

January 08, 2005

Ignore what I write when I'm on the rag!

I hate making people unhappy. I hate always being the one to listen, always being the one that's there, always being as pathetic to be the one constantly waiting for the response. I hate loving my friends more than I love myself and dealing with the constant disappointment that comes from that. I hate being the backup. I hate feeling that my presence has thrown someone else's world off balance to accomodate. When will I learn to hate myself being unhappy more?

Silky smooth
Lips as sweet as candy, baby
Tight blue jeans
Skin that shows in patches
Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl?

Hair that twirls on finger tips so gently, baby
Hands that rest on jutting hips repenting
Hurt that’s not supposed to show and
Tears that fall when no one knows
When you’re trying hard to be your best
Could you be a little less

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl?

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl?

Strong inside but you don’t know it
Good little girls they never show it
When you open up your mouth to speak
Could you be a little weak?

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl?

Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
Do you know what it feels like in this world for a girl?

In this world
Do you know?
Do you know?
Do you know what it feels like for a girl?
What it feels like in this world

-------

Eric - thanks for the call last night, there's no one I'd rather have drunkenly babbling to me for 4.5 hours on a phone with than you.

Posted by Courtney at 05:15 PM | Comments (1)

January 05, 2005

Frozen, like my heart.

Ok, so I'm not going to do this everytime we get a itty bitty of snow or ice. I'll get used to it I swear. But do you know how hard it is to take a picture with a shitty digital camera when you're shaking with cold? I present as evidence:

1/5/2005 - The frozen pine trees outside my door

Posted by Courtney at 10:34 PM | Comments (5)

little.

THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS FALLING.

Next time I decide to move somewhere for no real reason it's gonna be New Mexico.

Posted by Courtney at 07:14 AM | Comments (0)

January 04, 2005

crimson and cream

FUCK USC.

Posted by Courtney at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)

January 01, 2005

Resolution.

In the year 2005 I resolve to:
Hook up with the ugly geek next door.

Get your resolution here

Posted by Courtney at 03:22 AM | Comments (0)