August 27, 2005


Just a phase.

Well, yes, why this week can get worse. On top of everything else, I could get sick. Beautiful really. I think it's Karma.

Everytime something goes wrong for me, Edward always tells me it's Karma for making fun of him. Well, yesterday I told a tiny little lie, and what do I get for it? Sick. Completely and utterly snot dripping everywhere, involuntarily DXM tripping sick. Ok, it's not that bad, since I just went and had lunch at the cafe in Nordstrom's, but still, it's not beautiful. So, when Edward called today, we decided it was definitely Karma giving me the big proverbial bite on the ass. I countered by baking cookies, sitting in bed reading, and watching multiple episodes of Nick Cannon's Wildin Out.

So, yesterday I took off work at noon. I went to Old Navy to waste some time until Carrie & Squee-Adam called to tell me they were lost. I directed them to Fuel, then hopped on over myself. After calling J to give him some shit, I walked in, ordered a wheat, and once J and his effeminate roommate came in we joined Luke to take over the patio with Latzi. You could tell a lot of the people were there for Freeloader Friday and to be around the crazyness, but they all just kinda sat and watched at our table instead of really interacting. I guess that's why we're the "Church."

We were an eclectic bunch to say the least, but I loved them all. And thanks to the waitress round robin I only ended up spending $5 on a wheat, amaretto sour, and a tanqueray and tonic. Luke's an awesome man for buying my other amaretto sour, and god knows how much in drinks for everyone else. All the new people I met were wonderful, seeing Bucho is always some hot fun, and J as always was in top smart ass stoner form. When the time rolled around for me to have dinner with Keaton, I was sad to have to go. A quick hug for Suzi and I bounced over to Copeland's.

And that's when my head started feeling not so special. By the time we got my home, I couldn't breathe through my nose. While I waited around for something interesting to happen, the rest of my body got contaminated with ick, and suddenly I just wanted to sleep. Which is exactly what I did.

It's been an odd week for me. It's been a long week for me. I'm constantly worried about work, and specifically my level of it and how I feel that I'm falling behind and losing focus when now is definitely not the time for it. That alone has stressed me to the point of coming home and just sleeping for hours or curling in a ball and crying. But no, my shit just isn't enough. I have to take on everyone else's and I haven't learned how to say no there yet. Then there's the fact that my car still doesn't have a tag. I still don't have any extra money. And I have to worry about my sister's birthday on the 5th.

And we won't get into the little things, like one friend suddenly popping back up and having an interest as long as it only concerns what he wants, and the others seemingly loosing interest; possibly a cause and effect situation. Everyone is once again having that weird change in their lives and settling back in with their shit, with everyone back home starting school again and such. Then there's this whole plans changing suddenly, and I never deal well with that happening. And lets not even get how I've been letting the shit people say online about Esmie get to me. I'm not ashamed to be sympathetic to the situation. I never realized exactly how horrible people are when they are not being held accountable for what they say about another person. I am certainly included in on that. It's all so sad. God, I'm so sad.

I feel too responsible for the world at large, and for the other people I am in association with. And while I do feel more stressed, more lost, more insecure, more trespassed, more angry, more depressed, more lonely than I ever felt before, I really don't feel the harm of the situation like I used to. I acknowledge the presence of it all, and I handle it quietly and with personal confrontation every morning. And I make it through to start over. I remember a time when I was 15, and I had a quite visible slow breakdown. Everyone around me saw my personality and focus fall one brick at a time. And I don't think I ever truly rebuilt that person. This whole time I've been a likened image, roughly pieced from what was found on the ground. I think I've grown enough, and have the support enough (<3 Keaton) that I can be so peaceful with such a painful recognition of self. I've basically just found myself and realized this is what it was, this is what it is, and this is what it shall be. And for the right, or the wrong, I'm pretty okay with that.

I'm not trying to whine or become typical, but this has really been on my mind. And I don't think I have any friends that are on a close enough plane with me that I can openly discuss this with them (other than Edward, who doesn't get online). So instead, I'll let everyone read it and make their own decisions to my state and nature. I really don't want anyone's worry or pity. My life isn't bad. The way I view it and deal with it is just wrong. But that won't change until I want it to, until I do what it takes to change it, or until I find whatever help might be necessary to change it. When you grow, you learn your limits quickly. I'm well aware of myself at this point, and I'm much more thankful for this person than I was before. Sometimes, life is just something you deal with until you're upright and truly alive again.

And The Nieda, man, where are you? Natalie Portman has mohawk.


I am bottled fizzy water
And you were shaking me up
You are a fingernail running
Down the chalkboard I thought
I left in third grade
Now my only consolation
Is that this could not last forever
Even though you’re
Singing and thinking how well
You’ve got it made
Who are you?
And will you be through
Yeah, it’s just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it’s just a phase
Yeah, it’s just a phase

Call it women’s intuition
But I think i’m
Onto something here
Temporaryism has been
The black plague
And the jesus of our age
I know that
I sound opinionated
May be biased and
Quite possibly jaded
But sooner than later
They’ll be throwing quarters
At you on the stage

Who are you?
And will you be through
Yeah, it’s just a phase
It will be over soon
Yeah, it’s just a phase
Yeah, it’s just a phase

And I am waiting for
It to be over too

Posted by Courtney at August 27, 2005 10:18 PM
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