August 26, 2004


put the cobwebs back in place

Yes, once again I was being vague and weary. Fuck you, I don't care if you get annoyed by my vagueness anyways :)

So, I will officially be here 2 months tomorrow. Every day I wrestle back and forth over if this was right; over if I really have any business packing up house, job and boyfriend and starting over for no reason. 2 months. It's been a couple of the hardest two months I've ever had.

I'm separated from the friends I've held so very close for the past 20 years. It's not as hard as if we'd all stayed in Tahlequah and went to NSU together. Megan and Emily both moved off for college the first year. Sam went off into the Marines. DeBaets always had a girlfriend. Shannon had a new group of friends from working at NSU. Dana is probably the only person I've gotten closer to since leaving high school. Everyone else just disappeared, mainly because of me, mainly because of them. Mainly because we're young and stupid. Mainly.

My first trip back home was for Shannon's wedding. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning and perfect. And I saw Nicki for the first time since graduation. I hadn't even been at her wedding. The last time that sort of thing happened was at Rachael's funeral. As Emily, Megan and I walked across the street for the reception it hit is. We're finally at the stage in our lives where we only see each other for the big stuff. We're wedding and funeral friends. Now they're all back at NSU together, except for DeBaets who is now a permanent resident of Kingsburg, CA, and I realize exactly how much I fucking miss them.

And we're not even going to get into my non school friends like Bryan Wann, now a resident of Austin, TX, and that Travis is doing the best thing ever and being in the military, or any of the other wonderful Fazed friends that are spread throughout the country. In short, I moved to a town where I knew 6 people, and even though I constantly try to keep myself busy, it sucks.

It's been hard, and I went crazy trying to replace them all with one person who I just treat like shit now for my own reasons. This is so hard. I really want to go home. I want to trade in my cavalier for something made in the late 80s, get a job at Wal-Mart, and go to NSU for education. But that's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be. My life shouldn't be held in a small town, a small college and an unusual attachment to the boy that took my virginity. Then again, at the same time it's really hard not to freak out and run.

The bills are piling up, however Keaton starts work Monday. I finally know my way around mostly. Megan and Emily have came and spent a weekend with us. Andy will be back out soon to do some preparations to try and move here. I still see plenty of the boys and never enough of them. And word is DeBaets will be visiting Oklahoma next month so I might be making another trip home.

Home. Tahlequah. Right now, that's still where my heart is. But I'll be damned if the rest of me doesn't try to have a good time in Kansas without it.

And just because I know he doesn't read it, I'll admit Scott has done more than just convince me a little that I should be here, right here, right now. Then again there's always the fact that Jason threatened to effectively "cut me off" if I left.

It hasn't been without it's awesome moments however. The song It's a Shame About Ray by The Lemonheads suddenly came on a local radio station. And even though I'm a lot homesick and a little bit bitchy, it all was perfect again.


I've never been too good with names.
The cellar door was open, I could never stay away.
I know it's prob'ly not my place.
It's either or, I'm hoping for a simple way to say.

It's a shame about Ray.
In the stone, under the dust,
his name is still engraved.
Some things need to go away.
It's a shame about Ray.

If I make it through today,
I'll know tomorrow not to leave my feelings out on display.
I'll put the cobwebs back in place.
I've never been to good with names,
but I remember faces.

Posted by Courtney at August 26, 2004 10:51 PM
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